My Father’s Eyes

It’s no secret I’m getting older. One look at my almost-eighteen year old daughter will tell you that.

 

Twenty years married, a folded up high chair sequestered in the corner, kids that date, kids that drive, kids that go to midnight movies, kids that can do their own car seat buckles. Lucy’s been accepted to one of her Plan A schools and we all rejoiced … and Forrest and I cried a little bit. Our baby.

 

Going … going … gone.

 

Sometimes I look in the rearview mirror hoping to catch Mary’s eye, because she’s the only one who will still play peek-a-boo with me (if she’s in a good mood), and I see my dad’s eyes looking back at me. Light blue, high eyebrow, bags underneath that show my fatigue. Thankfully, I don’t always have bags, but when I’ve had particularly stressful weeks, or sleepless nights, they come out and I look like my dad. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I’ve always been told I look like him, but in my mind, it means I’m getting older and things are changing. For the better, I believe.

 

My father died about a year and a half ago suddenly and dramatically in a car accident. He suffered from emphysema and as is often the case with that disease, had a stroke at the wheel. It was crazy and horrible and yet, the best thing that could have happened in the long run. As a veteran of the Air Force, a fighter pilot and a captain, he would have much preferred to “go down with his plane” than succumb in a hospital bed somewhere, wheezing and coughing out his last breath.

 

I wonder what he’s thinking about up there, watching Lucy get accepted to college, Emma get to study marine biology and get her diver certifications, Abby really succeed in swimming, Mollie and all the others doing their thing. I wonder if he’s proud of them. I wonder if he’s proud of me?

 

I like to think he is.

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About krob3

Wife, mom, swim taxi, singer, writer. This is what I do.
This entry was posted in caregiving, College, Families, Parenting and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to My Father’s Eyes

  1. Susie says:

    KIt, I’m sure your Dad is smiling and looking down at you and your family with all the pride that a heart can hold!

  2. Mimi says:

    Oh Kit..losing your dad was such a loss to you and the kids who loved him so dearly but I know he is so proud of you and the amazing job you and Robby have done raising your children. He was such a special person to me and I always looked forward to spending time with him and your mom. I know he would be so proud of all the kids and their many accomplishments but especially of you. You would make any father proud and I am so thankful that you are the mother of my grandchildren. You have done everything right and you deserve much credit. You have put your children first and instilled values in them that they will live their lives by and I thank you for that. You are my hero and I know your dad feels the same. I love you

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